This country has many challenges. We will not deny, we will not ignore, we will not pass along our problems to other Congresses, other presidents, and other generations (unless by "pass along" you mean massive debt, a poor economy, a growing conflict on the Korean Peninsula and endless war in the Middle East. If so then there is plenty that will be passed along). We will confront them with focus, and clarity, and courage.

During the last two years, we have seen what can be accomplished when we work together. To lift the standards of our public schools (Yeah, we are all really good at filling in bubbles and we only finish dead last in the quality of education and ability to educate when compared to that of other advanced industrialized nations), we achieved historic education reform – which must now be carried out in every school, and every classroom, so that every child in America can read, and learn, and succeed in life. To protect our country, we reorganized our government and created the Department of Homeland Security – (Whose defined doctrines are not far from that of the KGB in the former USSR or the Gestapo of Nazi Germany) which is mobilizing against the threats of a new era. To bring our economy out of recession, we delivered the largest tax relief in a generation (Here is something to think about: Bush’s Tax plan calls for $670 billion in tax relief; at a press conference earlier this month Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer made this statement: "With the President’s tax plan 92 million Americans will average a tax reduction of $1083." Let’s do some math. 92 million Americans multiplied by the average of $1083 equals: $99,636,000,000. Where does the other $570+ billion in Bush’s tax plan go? Hmm…). To insist on integrity in American business, we passed tough reforms, and we are holding corporate criminals to account (translation: Unless those corporate criminals happen to be the Vice President of the United States or a major Contributor to my campaign and one of the architects of this administration’s energy policy).

Some might call this a good record. I call it a good start (Yes, a good start indeed. You have managed to switch mantras from, "the economy is doing so well and we have huge budget surpluses… why not give some tax money back to the people, specifically to the richest 1%?" To, "the economy is in the tank, I think we need some tax relief for everyone, especially if that everyone includes the top 1%". Tonight I ask the House and Senate to join me in the next bold steps to serve our fellow citizens.

Our first goal is clear: We must have an economy that grows fast enough to employ every man and woman who seeks a job (Like what Clinton promised and ultimately delivered during his ’92 campaign? (In 1999 there was 1.8% unemployment in the Seattle metropolitan area and 4% over all of Washington State. Today, Seattle’s unemployment is above 5% with Washington’s overall unemployment above 8%. Way to go!)).

After recession, terrorist attacks, corporate scandals, and stock market declines ("Thank you! No need to applause. It was nothing, really."), our economy is recovering (This is an outright lie. Only a handful of economists suggest that we are out of recession. In all actuality the economy has gotten worse in the past year (100,000 people out of work in the past month alone). Remember the winter of ’01 when all the Republicans claimed that we would be into solid economic recovery by spring ’02? Ha!)– yet it is not growing fast enough, or strongly enough (I thought our union was strong? You said so earlier). With unemployment rising (up 40% in the last two years), our Nation needs more small businesses to open, more companies to invest and expand, more employers to put up the sign that says, "Help Wanted."

Jobs are created when the economy grows (No way?!?); the economy grows when Americans have more money to spend and invest (Get out of town!); and the best, fairest way to make sure Americans have that money is not to tax it away in the first place (Americans have the lowest tax rates of any industrialized nation in the world. Oh, and get this, a study done at Stanford this Winter discovered that taxes in the US are not financially burdensome to its citizens. This is due to the very structure of our tax brackets that tax the wealthy slightly more than middle class while not taxing the poor).

I am proposing that all the income tax reductions set for 2004 and 2006 be made permanent and effective this year (All right! Just check out these numbers from Knight Ridder Newspapers: With Bush’s tax plan, people making over $1 million per year would receive a tax break averaging $27,096 while those that earn below $75,000 per year (82 percent of tax payers) would average a paltry reduction of just $42. Wow, now that downright sucks!). And under my plan, as soon as I have signed the bill, this extra money will start showing up in workers’ checks (By "workers’" he means those that sweat and labor by the pool or tennis court and jet set in Paris all the while their bank accounts in the Caymans collect the dividends from stock they own. Stock that has been amassed during the current market dive where small investors have been forced bail out and then sell off their shares to wealthier investors). Instead of gradually reducing the marriage penalty, we should do it now. Instead of slowly raising the child credit to a thousand dollars, we should send the checks to American families now (Aren’t children the expensive ones in this country? Shouldn’t we make those that have children pay as much or more in taxes because they are using more, expensive services like schools? They chose to have the kids, sometimes 9 of the little buggers. Is it socially responsible to introduce a whole tribe to the world and then essentially reward them for it? How about after a couple of kids the government sends them a box of condoms with their next tax refund?).

This tax relief is for everyone who pays income taxes – and it will help our economy immediately (By "our" economy he means: The part of our economy that is involved with selling expensive foreign cars and the Americans that want to send their $27,000+ in tax rebates to banks in Switzerland. The rest of us will spend our $42 on some Airwalks (made in China) and a burger at McDonald’s (with beef from Brazil, naturally). Ninety-two million Americans will keep – this year – an average of almost 1,100 dollars more of their own money (remember what I wrote about Ari Fleischer said earlier? Well here is Bush saying it). A family of four with an income of 40,000 dollars would see their federal income taxes fall from 1,178 dollars to 45 dollars per year (That is great for a family of four living off of nothing but stock dividends in 1975 Scranton, Pennsylvania. The rest of us here in the present realize that a family of four, that earns just $40,000 per year, better live in a 3^rd world country. If not, they are flirting with poverty). And our plan will improve the bottom line for more than 23 million small businesses.

You, the Congress, have already passed all these reductions, and promised them for future years. If this tax relief is good for Americans three, or five, or seven years from now, it is even better for Americans today (I would like to point out that the Clinton Economic Plan, that was passed 51/50 in the Senate in 1993, was based around a raise in taxes for the rich and was a leading cause for the massive growth we all experienced in the 1990s).

We also strengthen the economy by treating investors equally in our tax laws. It is fair to tax a company's profits. It is not fair to again tax the shareholder on the same profits (Shareholders and companies are two different entities and in most cases companies don’t pay much if anything in taxes. In 2001 Colgate-Palmolive received tax rebates to the effect of -$8.2 million on over $860 million in profits. In other words, they paid a negative income tax of 0.9%! In the same year GM paid a tax rate of -1.2% receiving tax breaks of over $82 million on some $6.7 billion in profits. I have hundreds of these. Plus, you "tax" a company’s earnings and yet you TAX a worker’s earnings too. Oh-my-gosh! I just realized that when I pay taxes they send that money to some private in the Army and he is then taxed on that amount of money. Then the Army guy purchases some widget of some sort and the store is forced to pay tax on what they earned from the sale. And the company that made the widget is forced to pay tax on their profits they make off of producing widgets. And get this; their workers are then have to pay tax on the salary they earn from the widget factory, and so on, and so on… Do you see where I am going with this? Taxes are cyclical, get over it already. ). To boost investor confidence, and to help the nearly 10 million seniors who receive dividend income, I ask you to end the unfair double taxation of dividends (Dividends are not taxed if one’s total income (including the income from dividends) is below a standard living wage. So don’t believe Bush when he tries for some sympathy on this issue by including the poor, feeble seniors in this. Most of those 10 million seniors mentioned earn way more than a standard living wage and should be taxed if only to pay for their grand children’s schools and the roads that the trucks use to get the expensive prescription drugs they all need so bad to them).

Lower taxes and greater investment will help this economy expand (It doesn’t. In a Keynsian Economic System such as ours, the only thing that really boosts the economy is massive deficit spending by the government. But, the spending must be dedicated on improving our infrastructure on things like; roads, rail and subway systems, broadband Internet access, improving the efficiency and output of and our access to power plants, and expanding our seaports and our airports… All the while using these projects in the form of large public works projects that get people back on the job. After all, the most important aspect of any economy is the fluid transportation of goods, information and people. What better way can one improve the economy than to improve what makes an economy work?). More jobs mean more taxpayers– and higher revenues to our government (So those 2 million that have become unemployed are really going to boost the tax base of a government dependent upon some 200 million taxpayers? Get real. A wealthy and healthy middle class will dramatically boost the revenues for the government. Do you know what would also boost revenues? Slightly higher taxes on the rich. Did you know that Paul Allen, Bill Gates and Bill Gates Sr. have been pushing for an income tax in the Washington State because they realize that the rich are getting away easy in a state that has a dramatic decline in revenues?). The best way to address the deficit and move toward a balanced budget is to encourage economic growth – and to show some spending discipline in Washington, D.C. ("Spending discipline in Washington D.C.?!? How about we reach a balanced budget by not increasing the size of the government. You know, doing things like; making $30 billion spy agencies (The Department of Homeland Security), increasing the military’s budget by almost $100 billion, and getting us involved in yet another war in the Persian Gulf that will cost us more than $100 billion?). We must work together to fund only our most important priorities. I will send you a budget that increases discretionary spending by four percent next year – about as much as the average family’s income is expected to grow (Except those that will lose their jobs). And that is a good benchmark for us: Federal spending should not rise any faster than the paychecks of American families (We’ll just forget about the fact that between 2001 and 2002 the federal budget grew by over 10% while total receipts from income taxes fell by 3%).

A growing economy, and a focus on essential priorities, will also be crucial to the future of Social Security. As we continue to work together to keep Social Security sound and reliable, we must offer younger workers a chance to invest in retirement accounts that they will control and they will own (They can invest in retirement accounts. They’re called IRAs, 401ks and Mutual Funds. Social Security is not an investment; it is a backup plan for when one’s investments eventually fail (much like many have in the past 2 years). Plus, what the hell do conservatives know about Social Security anyway? It is a program they have tried to destroy from its very inception and now they are the ones to "save" it?!?).

Our second goal is high quality, affordable health care for all Americans (He couldn’t possibly mean a Universal Health Care System, could he?).

The American system of medicine is a model of skill and innovation – with a pace of discovery that is adding good years to our lives. Yet for many people, medical care costs too much (Pardon my French, but: NO SHIT! I was hit by a car in 1999 and lost my college savings because my health "insurance" wouldn’t cover the costs outside of the ambulance ride ($32,000 in bills for a concussion and an overnight stay in the hospital). Instead of getting ready graduate this spring I am just a Sophomore who wasted the past couple of years by rotting away in community college) – and many have no coverage at all. These problems will not be solved with a nationalized health care system that dictates coverage and rations care (Bull crap! We are the only industrialized nation in the world that does not have universal coverage. Our healthcare system ranks bellow Cuba and Costa Rica at #38 worldwide for crying out loud!). Instead, we must work toward a system in which all Americans have a good insurance policy (Mediocre insurance for a family of four costs on average $800-$1000 per month (and that won’t even cover hit and run accidents while one is riding a bicycle). So, how in the hell is the average citizen going to pay for health insurance? With the $42 they received in tax relief?)… choose their own doctors … and seniors and low-income Americans receive the help they need. Instead of bureaucrats, and trial lawyers, and HMOs, we must put doctors, and nurses, and patients back in charge of American medicine (Universal health care systems don’t have any of those problems… So why is he lying to the American people?).

Health care reform must begin with Medicare, because Medicare is the binding commitment of a caring society (Medicare, yet another program the conservatives fought against from the very beginning. It is miraculous how all of the sudden they are the ones to save a program they have traditionally been bent on destroying). We must renew that commitment by giving seniors access to the preventive medicine and new drugs that are transforming health care in America.

Seniors happy with the current Medicare system should be able to keep their coverage just the way it is (That is just about none of them). And just like you, the members of Congress, members of your staffs, and other federal employees, all seniors should have the choice of a health care plan that provides prescription drugs. My budget will commit an additional 400 billion dollars over the next decade to reform and strengthen Medicare. Leaders of both political parties have talked for years about strengthening Medicare – I urge the members of this new Congress to act this year (I will have to admit this one threw me for a loop. I am still trying to figure out how he is going to screw us over. I think it may have something to do with lucrative government contracts to large drug companies to provide coverage).

To improve our health care system, we must address one of the prime causes of higher costs (Smokers getting sick all the time?) – the constant threat that physicians and hospitals will be unfairly sued ("By rednecks in Mississippi that vote Republican"). Because of excessive litigation, everybody pays more for health care (No, health insurance is so high because in 1996 nineteen of the top twenty most profitable companies in the US were companies that provided health insurance. The Twentieth you ask? Well, that would have been Phillip Morris.)– and many parts of America are losing fine doctors. No one has ever been healed by a frivolous lawsuit (Yes, but people shouldn’t win frivolous law suits. If they are frivolous they shouldn’t get past the grand jury and allowed to go to trial)– and I urge the Congress to pass medical liability reform.

Our third goal is to promote energy independence for our country, while dramatically improving the environment (Ha!).

I have sent you a comprehensive energy plan to promote energy efficiency and conservation, to develop cleaner technology, and to produce more energy at home. I have sent you Clear Skies legislation that mandates a 70 percent cut in air pollution from power plants over the next 15 years (He means a 70% cut in air pollution in any new power plants built within the next 15 years. The old ones can keep doing what they are doing). I have sent you a Healthy Forests Initiative, to help prevent the catastrophic fires that devastate communities, kill wildlife, and burn away millions of acres of treasured forest (Treasured old-growth forest doesn’t burn down. It is only previously logged land that is the real danger because of thick underbrush).

I urge you to pass these measures, for the good of both our environment and our economy. Even more, I ask you to take a crucial step, and protect our environment in ways that generations before us could not have imagined ("You know, by doing things like opening our national forests to massive, unchecked logging"). In this century, the greatest environmental progress will come about, not through endless lawsuits or command and control regulations, but through technology and innovation ("Technology made in Taiwan and innovation from Japan"). Tonight I am proposing 1.2 billion dollars in research funding so that America can lead the world in developing clean, hydrogen-powered automobiles (Hydrogen power has been around for the latter part of 200 years. What good is this supposed to do unless we raise fuel efficiency standards now?).

A simple chemical reaction between hydrogen and oxygen generates energy ("I don’t know how because I was either hung over or stoned during chemistry class"), which can be used to power a car – producing only water, not exhaust fumes. With a new national commitment, our scientists and engineers will overcome obstacles to taking these cars from laboratory to showroom – so that the first car driven by a child born today could be powered by hydrogen, and pollution-free. Join me in this important innovation – to make our air significantly cleaner, and our country much less dependent on foreign sources of energy (It bothers me that ever since the election Bush has talked about the problem of the US being dependent upon foreign sources of energy. Yet the whole point of the US Strategic Petroleum Reserve is to save the oil that the US possesses and bleed the rest of the world dry. By doing this, in fifty years or so, we will be the only country with an operational infrastructure and military).

Americans are doing the work of compassion every day – visiting prisoners, providing shelter to battered women, bringing companionship to lonely seniors. These good works deserve our praise … they deserve our personal support … and, when appropriate, they deserve the assistance of our government. I urge you to pass both my faith-based initiative and the Citizen Service Act – to encourage acts of compassion that can transform America, one heart and one soul at a time (Great! I can’t wait until the local representative from the Church of Satan visits my grandmother in the home to play bridge once a week).

Last year, I called on my fellow citizens to participate in USA Freedom Corps, which is enlisting tens of thousands of new volunteers across America. Tonight I ask Congress and the American people to focus the spirit of service and the resources of government on the needs of some of our most vulnerable citizens – boys and girls trying to grow up without guidance and attention … and children who have to go through a prison gate to be hugged by their mom or dad. I propose a 450 million dollar initiative to bring mentors to more than a million disadvantaged junior high students and children of prisoners (Wow, I wonder if this faith-based initiative will cover those that are devoutly religious, and happen to be members of al-Qaida, to mentor to boys and girls?). Government will support the training and recruiting of mentors, yet it is the men and women of America who will fill the need. One mentor, one person, can change a life forever – and I urge you to be that one person.

Another cause of hopelessness is addiction to drugs. Addiction crowds out friendship, ambition, moral conviction, and reduces all the richness of life to a single destructive desire (He knows his stuff. After all he was a drunk and a coke fiend for a good part of his adulthood). As a government, we are fighting illegal drugs by cutting off supplies, and reducing demand through anti-drug education programs (Yeah, we all know how well that is working. One look at the face of a dorm here at Lewis & Clark will tell you how much good it does. I wonder why all those fans in the windows are going at full force? Hmm…). Yet for those already addicted, the fight against drugs is a fight for their own lives.

Too many Americans in search of treatment cannot get it. So tonight I propose a new 600 million dollar program to help an additional 300,000 Americans receive treatment over the next three years (Yet there are millions of addicts in this country. I guess it is a good start though, and it sure beats putting them all in prison).

Our Nation is blessed with recovery programs that do amazing work. One of them is found at the Healing Place Church in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. A man in the program said, "God does miracles in people’s lives, and you never think it could be you." Tonight, let us bring to all Americans who struggle with drug addiction this message of hope: The miracle of recovery is possible, and it could be you ("But only if you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior…").

By caring for children who need mentors, and for addicted men and women who need treatment, we are building a more welcoming society – a culture that values every life. And in this work we must not overlook the weakest among us. I ask you to protect infants at the very hour of birth, and end the practice of partial-birth abortion (There were less than 100 partial-birth abortions in 2000 and in every case the life of the mother was in limbo. We know that those were some of the 100 hardest decisions those women ever had to make so piss off.). And because no human life should be started or ended as the object of an experiment, I ask you to set a high standard for humanity and pass a law against all human cloning (There is already a law against human cloning in the US. Yes, government: "The Process of Redundancy.").

The qualities of courage and compassion that we strive for in America also determine our conduct abroad. The American flag stands for more than our power and our interests (Yes, it also stands for our ignorance of global issues and our overall ethnocentric arrogance when abroad). Our Founders dedicated this country to the cause of human dignity – the rights of every person and the possibilities of every life. This conviction leads us into the world to help the afflicted, and defend the peace, and confound the designs of evil men (But only after those evil men bomb us directly (Pearl harbor, 9/11) or have a lot of oil (Iraq)). In Afghanistan, we helped to liberate an oppressed people ("And get a kickass pipeline approved from Turkmenistan to Pakistan for Unocal to boot!")… and we will continue helping them secure their country ("At least until the pipeline is done"), rebuild their society (Until the pipeline is done), and educate all their children – boys and girls (Until the pipeline is done). In the Middle East, we will continue to seek peace between a secure Israel and a democratic Palestine (Amazing how neither exists yet). Across the earth, America is feeding the hungry; more than 60 percent of international food aid comes as a gift from the people of the United States (This aid is usually given to people whose infrastructure we have personally destroyed).

As our Nation moves troops and builds alliances to make our world safer, we must also remember our calling, as a blessed country, to make this world better (Oh, now I find out that we have been divinely chosen to take this path. I guess St. Augustine was right after all). Today, on the continent of Africa, nearly 30 million people have the AIDS virus – including three million children under the age of 15. There are whole countries in Africa where more than one-third of the adult population carries the infection. More than four million require immediate drug treatment. Yet across that continent, only 50,000 AIDS victims – only 50,000 – are receiving the medicine they need (That is the power of Bono right there).

Because the AIDS diagnosis is considered a death sentence, many do not seek treatment (Or are under the belief that by raping virgins and white women they will be cured…). Almost all who do are turned away. A doctor in rural South Africa describes his frustration. He says, "We have no medicines … many hospitals tell [people], ‘You’ve got AIDS. We can’t help you. Go home and die.’"

In an age of miraculous medicines, no person should have to hear those words. AIDS can be prevented. Anti-retroviral drugs can extend life for many years. And the cost of those drugs has dropped from 12,000 dollars a year to under 300 dollars a year (Where? I know people that spend $7,000 on one vial that lasts them a week in order to keep AIDS at bay)– which places a tremendous possibility within our grasp.

Ladies and gentlemen, seldom has history offered a greater opportunity to do so much for so many. We have confronted, and will continue to confront, HIV/AIDS in our own country. And to meet a severe and urgent crisis abroad, tonight I propose the Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief – a work of mercy beyond all current international efforts to help the people of Africa. This comprehensive plan will prevent seven million new AIDS infections … treat at least two million people with life-extending drugs … and provide humane care for millions of people suffering from AIDS, and for children orphaned by AIDS. I ask the Congress to commit 15 billion dollars over the next five years, including nearly ten billion dollars in new money, to turn the tide against AIDS in the most afflicted nations of Africa and the Caribbean (Bono rules).

This Nation can lead the world in sparing innocent people from a plague of nature. And this Nation is leading the world in confronting and defeating the man-made evil of international terrorism (For a second there I was imagining bunnies and squirrels with AK-47s… but I digress).

There are days when the American people do not hear news about the war on terror. There is never a day when I do not learn of another threat, or receive reports of operations in progress, or give an order in this global war against a scattered network of killers. The war goes on, and we are winning (And you still have no idea where Bin Laden is).

To date we have arrested, or otherwise dealt with, many key commanders of al-Qaida. They include a man who directed logistics and funding for the September 11th attacks … the chief of al-Qaida operations in the Persian Gulf who planned the bombings of our embassies in East Africa and the USS Cole … an al-Qaida operations chief from Southeast Asia … a former director of al-Qaida’s training camps in Afghanistan … a key al-Qaida operative in Europe … and a major al-Qaida leader in Yemen. All told, more than 3,000 suspected terrorists have been arrested in many countries. And many others have met a different fate. They are no longer a problem for the United States and our friends and allies ("If ya know wh’t ah mean. Nod nod, Wink Wink").

We are working closely with other nations to prevent further attacks. America and coalition countries have uncovered and stopped terrorist conspiracies targeting the American embassy in Yemen … the American embassy in Singapore … a Saudi military base … and ships in the straits of Hormuz, and the straits of Gibraltar. We have broken al-Qaida cells in Hamburg, and Milan, and Madrid, and London, and Paris – as well as Buffalo, New York (I love how Buffalo is mentioned with all these globally distinguished cities. It’s like at a rock concert when Axle Rose yells the name of one’s city and the whole crowd cheers and is like, "dude, I’m from Tacoma!").

We have the terrorists on the run, and we are keeping them on the run. One by one, the terrorists are learning the meaning of American justice (Yes, that meaning is: Tell us what we want to hear or we are turning you over to the Egyptians and they will torture you until you wished you were dead).

As we fight this war, we will remember where it began – here, in our own country ("With Reagan and my dad giving tons of money and weapons to the Afghans and their Saudi allies to fight the Soviets. And get this, after they won the war we abandoned them to all this ethnic infighting, right, and totally left their country in ruins only to be taken over by religious zealots who later killed thousands of Americans. Is that awesome or what?"). This government is taking unprecedented measures to protect our people and defend our homeland (You know what? A little over a year ago I had never heard the word "homeland" used by anyone when referring to the United States before. It is such Orwellian double-speak and I hate it. What is wrong with saying, "The Department of Domestic Problems" or something? I like how when it was described Bush said things like, "We need a central agency whose job it is to gather intelligence from all sorts of different sources and provide that information to other agencies." You mean, oh I don’t know, something like the CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY perhaps?). We have intensified security at the borders and ports of entry … posted more than 50,000 newly trained federal screeners in airports … begun inoculating troops and first responders against smallpox (What’s the figure? Something like 1% of them will die from the effects of the vaccine?)… and are deploying the Nation’s first early warning network of sensors to detect biological attack. And this year, for the first time, we are beginning to field a defense to protect this Nation against ballistic missiles (Well, it all makes total sense now. Since Bush has pissed off North Korea and we have learned that they may have the capability to nuke Alaska, British Columbia, Washington Oregon and possibly Northern California we need us some Star Wars perdy-durn-quick. Way to go, boss!).

I thank the Congress for supporting these measures. I ask you tonight to add to our future security with a major research and production effort to guard our people against bio-terrorism, called Project Bioshield. The budget I send you will propose almost six billion dollars to quickly make available effective vaccines and treatments against agents like anthrax, botulinum toxin, Ebola, and plague. We must assume that our enemies would use these diseases as weapons, and we must act before the dangers are upon us (Are you scared shitless yet? No? Well, just keep reading what’s below. I find it interesting that previous, great presidents have said things like, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself" and this president is like, "You will probably die from anthrax or small pox or something, but we have the situation under control. Look out! Behind you! We should all get back to normal. Oh yeah, here are a bunch of terror alerts and the most likely outcome in the next week is that your drinking water will be tainted, Chicago will be nuked and your children will be raped by crazed Arabs. So uh, keep your eyes open." Do you people have any idea how many catastrophic terrorist attacks were averted during the Clinton Administration? Hundreds. And did you ever hear about any of it? No, because there was no need to scare the public and disrupt people’s daily lives to just to boost his approval ratings).

Since September 11th, our intelligence and law enforcement agencies have worked more closely than ever to track and disrupt the terrorists. The FBI is improving its ability to analyze intelligence, and transforming itself to meet new threats. And tonight, I am instructing the leaders of the FBI, Central Intelligence, Homeland Security, and the Department of Defense to develop a Terrorist Threat Integration Center, to merge and analyze all threat information in a single location. Our government must have the very best information possible, and we will use it to make sure the right people are in the right places to protect our citizens ("Unlike when I told the director of the FBI to scale back the investigations of Bin Laden and al Qaida the month I took office").

Our war against terror is a contest of will, in which perseverance is power. In the ruins of two towers (Is Lord Saron somehow involved?), at the western wall of the Pentagon, on a field in Pennsylvania, this Nation made a pledge, and we renew that pledge tonight: Whatever the duration of this struggle, and whatever the difficulties, we will not permit the triumph of violence in the affairs of men ("Unless said men have tons of oil. Then, by all means, violence away.) – free people will set the course of history.

Today, the gravest danger in the war on terror … the gravest danger facing America and the world … is outlaw regimes that seek and possess nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons. These regimes could use such weapons for blackmail, terror, and mass murder. They could also give or sell those weapons to their terrorist allies, who would use them without the least hesitation (Like North Korea who threatened to start World War III is anyone bothered them and their nuclear program?).

This threat is new; America’s duty is familiar. Throughout the 20th century, small groups of men seized control of great nations … built armies and arsenals … and set out to dominate the weak and intimidate the world (He must be talking about Kissinger). In each case, their ambitions of cruelty and murder had no limit. In each case, the ambitions of Hitlerism, militarism, and communism were defeated by the will of free peoples (Or promoted by the government of the United States in places like Chile, Guatemala, Nicaragua, Indonesia, Iran (until they threw us out), and then we later supported Iraq (to combat Iran) just to name a few), by the strength of great alliances, and by the might of the United States of America (See above). Now, in this century, the ideology of power and domination has appeared again (When did it ever go away?), and seeks to gain the ultimate weapons of terror. Once again, this Nation and our friends are all that stand between a world at peace (Starting a war in Iraq is not peace), and a world of chaos and constant alarm. Once again, we are called to defend the safety of our people, and the hopes of all mankind. And we accept this responsibility (I am not accepting the responsibility for arming Saddam Hussein in the 80s. Nor am I going to accept the responsibility for Vice President Dick Cheney doing $23.8 million in business with Saddam after a war that was planned by Cheney himself when he was Secretary of Defense).

America is making a broad and determined effort to confront these dangers. We have called on the United Nations to fulfill its charter, and stand by its demand that Iraq disarm (We could have made sure Iraq disarmed if Bush The First hadn’t pussed out and refused to do anything about Iraq’s regime in the aftermath of the Gulf War). We are strongly supporting the International Atomic Energy Agency in its mission to track and control nuclear (He means, "Nook-yoo-lar") materials around the world. We are working with other governments to secure nuclear materials in the former Soviet Union, and to strengthen global treaties banning the production and shipment of missile technologies and weapons of mass destruction ("Like when my dad and Reagan sent missiles to Iran illegally").

In all of these efforts, however, America’s purpose is more than to follow a process – it is to achieve a result: the end of terrible threats to the civilized world (Where does the uncivilized world live? Are there parts of the world that don’t have social structures? If there is no social structure do people living in the uncivilized world have language?). All free nations have a stake in preventing sudden and catastrophic attack. We are asking them to join us, and many are doing so. Yet the course of this Nation does not depend on the decisions of others (Screw ‘em. If they’re not with us their against us! Right, George?). Whatever action is required, whenever action is necessary, I will defend the freedom and security of the American people (Just like he did in the Alabama Air National Guard… Oh, Wait a minute, Bush never reported to the Alabama Air National Guard when he was transferred from the Texas Air National Guard. Say, isn’t that desertion of one’s post during a time of war (Vietnam)? And isn’t that treason?).

Different threats require different strategies. In Iran, we continue to see a government that represses its people ("Thanks to my dad and Reagan arming them"), pursues weapons of mass destruction ("Only because my dad and Reagan gave them their first taste"), and supports terror ("Much like my dad and Reagan did by arming and training those that would become the Taliban and al-Qaida in Afghanistan"). We also see Iranian citizens risking intimidation and death as they speak out for liberty, human rights, and democracy (Americans wouldn’t do that here. We’re pussies who let all of our freedoms and liberties disappear whenever John Ashcroft says it is necessary). Iranians, like all people, have a right to choose their own government (Except for Americans, eh, George? They chose Al Gore and they got you instead, right?), and determine their own destiny – and the United States supports their aspirations to live in freedom (Except when they were under the oppressive hand of the Shah of Iran. Who happened to be massively supported by the US (side bar: My great uncle was the Shah’s military advisor and a captain in the US Navy at the time)).

On the Korean peninsula, an oppressive regime rules a people living in fear and starvation. Throughout the 1990s, the United States relied on a negotiated framework to keep North Korea from gaining nuclear weapons (And it worked too. That is until you gave the North Koreans $94 million in financial aid back in April of 2002 with the exact stipulation that we were no longer going to require nuclear inspectors in their power plants. Now why in the hell would you give them the finances and the incentive to produce nuclear weapons?). We now know that the regime was deceiving the world, and developing those weapons all along (If by "all along" you mean since April 2002. Then yes, all along). And today the North Korean regime is using its nuclear program to incite fear and seek concessions. America and the world will not be blackmailed. America is working with the countries of the region – South Korea, Japan, China, and Russia – to find a peaceful solution (unlike what we are doing in the Middle East to find a peaceful solution), and to show the North Korean government that nuclear weapons will bring only isolation, economic stagnation, and continued hardship. The North Korean regime will find respect in the world, and revival for its people, only when it turns away from its nuclear ambitions.

Our Nation and the world must learn the lessons of the Korean peninsula, and not allow an even greater threat to rise up in Iraq. A brutal dictator, with a history of reckless aggression … with ties to terrorism (There have never been any ties between Saddam Hussein and terrorists. Al-Qaida hates Saddam Hussein because he is a secular ruler that is too close to the sacred cities of Mecca and Medina. Saddam would never fund nor would he ever give weapons to terrorists because he is afraid of the backlash the US constantly experiences in such cases. The backlash being that the terrorists would use the resources he provided to them against him (like training Bin Laden and then he bombs and embassy). The man may be a brutal dictator but he is not stupid)… with great potential wealth (read: OIL) … will not be permitted to dominate a vital region (Vital because it has so much OIL) and threaten the United States (Something which hasn’t done).

Twelve years ago, Saddam Hussein faced the prospect of being the last casualty in a war he had started and lost (Let me take you back in time… the date: April 1990, the occasion: Saddam sends a letter to the United States Department of State asking if it would be alright with G. H. W. Bush if he invades Kuwait (back in those days Saddam was still our puppet). The State Department replies: "Go for it, dude. We have no business getting ourselves involved with affairs in that part of the world." Do you see where I am going with this? The war never would have happened if the first Bush administration had told the truth. The truth being: "you touch Kuwait and you’re dead meat." The war was started because of incompetent foreign policy decision the last time around. What makes them think they can do it right this time?) . To spare himself, he agreed to disarm of all weapons of mass destruction. For the next 12 years, he systematically violated that agreement (Only because the US is a country of procrastinators that never fulfilled their duty of ensuring to his disarmament). He pursued chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons even while inspectors were in his country (He did this while your Vice President was doing business with him to upgrade his oil fields so he could smuggle out more oil to make money to purchase what he needed to create weapons of mass destruction). Nothing to date has restrained him from his pursuit of these weapons – not economic sanctions, not isolation from the civilized world, not even cruise missile strikes on his military facilities ("And especially not my oil buddies buying his black market oil, refining it, and selling it to the American people"). Almost three months ago, the United Nations Security Council gave Saddam Hussein his final chance to disarm. He has shown instead his utter contempt for the United Nations, and for the opinion of the world (What about your utter contempt of the United Nations? Just a couple of years ago you wanted nothing to do with them. Jesse Helms (a favorite of Republicans) even had our dues withheld for years and now you’re the champion of their causes?).

The 108 UN weapons inspectors were not sent to conduct a scavenger hunt for hidden materials across a country the size of California. The job of the inspectors is to verify that Iraq’s regime is disarming. It is up to Iraq to show exactly where it is hiding its banned weapons (If Iraq shows you their weapons you bomb them for having weapons. If they say they don’t have weapons you bomb them for being "liars." It is one heck of a catch-22.)… lay those weapons out for the world to see … and destroy them as directed. Nothing like this has happened.

The United Nations concluded in 1999 that Saddam Hussein had biological weapons materials sufficient to produce over 25,000 liters of anthrax – enough doses to kill several million people. He has not accounted for that material (Cattle ranchers in Texas can go into fields near El Paso and get that much anthrax). He has given no evidence that he has destroyed it (Would it make you happy if Saddam were to produce 25,000 liters of anthrax next week and then destroy it for you?).

The United Nations concluded that Saddam Hussein had materials sufficient to produce more than 38,000 liters of botulinum toxin – enough to subject millions of people to death by respiratory failure. He has not accounted for that material. He has given no evidence that he has destroyed it (See above).

Our intelligence officials estimate that Saddam Hussein had the materials to produce as much as 500 tons of sarin, mustard, and VX nerve agent. In such quantities, these chemical agents also could kill untold thousands. He has not accounted for these materials. He has given no evidence that he has destroyed them (Saddam's VX capabilities are thanks to weapons trading with the US during the 80s. The Iraqi Scientists were only trained in the US and all…).

U.S. intelligence indicates that Saddam Hussein had upwards of 30,000 munitions capable of delivering chemical agents (The same US intelligence that indicates there is no connection between Saddam and terrorists?). Inspectors recently turned up 16 of them (16 that were empty, rusted out, dented and unsalvageable), despite Iraq’s recent declaration denying their existence (I can go to an aviation junk yard in any part of the US and probably find rusted out versions of the exact same thing and you would have no records of its existence either). Saddam Hussein has not accounted for the remaining 29,984 of these prohibited munitions. He has given no evidence that he has destroyed them.

From three Iraqi defectors we know that Iraq, in the late 1990s, had several mobile biological weapons labs. These are designed to produce germ warfare agents, and can be moved from place to place to evade inspectors. Saddam Hussein has not disclosed these facilities. He has given no evidence that he has destroyed them (I am sorry, but the burden of proof lies with you not Saddam. You cannot prove anything until you have some material evidence).

The International Atomic Energy Agency confirmed in the 1990s that Saddam Hussein had an advanced nuclear weapons development program (Yes, but the Israelis bombed their only nuclear power plants back in the 80s), had a design for a nuclear weapon (I can search on the Internet right now for the designs of nuclear weapons. So what?), and was working on five different methods of enriching uranium for a bomb. The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently (Define "recently") sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa. Our intelligence sources tell us that he has attempted to purchase high strength aluminum tubes suitable for nuclear weapons production (That would be 6061 aluminum. The same aluminum used in the frames of Audi sport sedans and in high-end Trek bicycles). Saddam Hussein has not credibly explained these activities. He clearly has much to hide (Clearly).

The dictator of Iraq is not disarming. To the contrary, he is deceiving. From intelligence sources, we know, for instance, that thousands of Iraqi security personnel are at work hiding documents and materials from the UN inspectors – sanitizing inspection sites, and monitoring the inspectors themselves (Why won’t you show any of this "proof" to the American people or our allies?). Iraqi officials accompany the inspectors in order to intimidate witnesses (Then tell the officials to go away. We are the goddamned superpower for crying out loud. "Wah, wah. The big mean government officials from a piss-poor country with almost no infrastructure intimidate the greatest army in the world!" Cry me a river). Iraq is blocking U-2 surveillance flights requested by the United Nations (Iraq is blocking no such thing. We don’t fly U-2s over Iraq. We fly un-retired SR-71 Blackbirds instead because they are harder to shoot down. And again, we are the superpower. If we want to fly if we want to fly U2s we fly U2s and if they get shot down then we have a real reason to go to war). Iraqi intelligence officers are posing as the scientists inspectors are supposed to interview. Real scientists have been coached by Iraqi officials on what to say. And intelligence sources indicate that Saddam Hussein has ordered that scientists who cooperate with UN inspectors in disarming Iraq will be killed, along with their families (The same intelligence sources that keep telling you that there is still no connection between Saddam and the Terrorists?).

Year after year, Saddam Hussein has gone to elaborate lengths, spent enormous sums, taken great risks, to build and keep weapons of mass destruction – but why (I know! Maybe it’s because he was afraid the son of his former enemy wouldn’t be able to catch the real culprit of the massive terrorist attacks leveled against the son’s nation and be pinned as the scapegoat for the son’s ultimate failure in bringing those involved to justice!)? The only possible explanation, the only possible use he could have for those weapons, is to dominate, intimidate, or attack (Or to keep invaders from invading. Much like the MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction) doctrine of the cold war. If I have big bad weapons I won’t be bothered). With nuclear arms or a full arsenal of chemical and biological weapons, Saddam Hussein could resume his ambitions of conquest in the Middle East, and create deadly havoc in the region. And this Congress and the American people must recognize another threat. Evidence from intelligence sources, secret communications, and statements by people now in custody, reveal that Saddam Hussein aids and protects terrorists, including members of al-Qaida. Secretly, and without fingerprints, he could provide one of his hidden weapons to terrorists, or help them develop their own (That was a complete fabrication right there. There is not one intelligence agency in the world that would admit that was true. Not even our own CIA).

Before September 11, 2001, many in the world believed that Saddam Hussein could be contained (And they were right. When was the last time Saddam or his army left Iraq?). But chemical agents and lethal viruses and shadowy terrorist networks are not easily contained. Imagine those 19 hijackers with other weapons, and other plans – this time armed by Saddam Hussein (Other weapons like potato peelers instead of box cutters and other plans like Hijacking a Northwest flight instead of a United one and crashing it into the Sears Tower instead of the Pentagon?). It would take just one vial, one canister, one crate slipped into this country to bring a day of horror like none we have ever known ("And this is why we need an anti-ballistic missile system!"). We will do everything in our power to make sure that day never comes ("Or do what we did prior to 9/11 which is take a month long vacation, ignore all intelligence memos and zone out at security briefings").

Some have said we must not act until the threat is imminent. Since when have terrorists and tyrants announced their intentions (They do all the time. "The blood of the innocent will stain the streets red" and all that), politely putting us on notice before they strike? If this threat is permitted to fully and suddenly emerge, all actions, all words, and all recriminations would come too late. Trusting in the sanity and restraint of Saddam Hussein is not a strategy, and it is not an option (But finally doing what your dad should have done 12 years ago is a "Strategery"?).

This dictator, who is assembling the world’s most dangerous weapons, has already used them on whole villages – leaving thousands of his own citizens dead, blind, or disfigured (Almost like the US military using depleted uranium munitions in Iraq the last time. When we did this we only increased the rate of cancer among our own troops by 200x. Because of these munitions we are responsible for the countless thousands of painfully slow cancer deaths of Iraqi peasants in the region too). Iraqi refugees tell us how forced confessions are obtained – by torturing children while their parents are made to watch. International human rights groups have catalogued other methods used in the torture chambers of Iraq: electric shock, burning with hot irons, dripping acid on the skin, mutilation with electric drills, cutting out tongues, and rape (Why that is sort of like what we do with all the enemy combatants and terror suspects we arrest. Oh, my mistake. We don’t do that. We just extradite them to the Egyptian authorities and they do it for us. That way our hands don’t get dirty).

If this is not evil, then evil has no meaning (You’re absolutely right. You and Saddam are evil). And tonight I have a message for the brave and oppressed people of Iraq: Your enemy is not surrounding your country – your enemy is ruling your country. And the day he and his regime are removed from power will be the day of your liberation ("Sort of. I mean we will probably install some sort of authoritarian-puppet-dictator much like the last one we installed. But I think it will work this time. I swear").

The world has waited 12 years for Iraq to disarm (And for 12 long years America has done nothing). America will not accept a serious and mounting threat to our country, our friends, and our allies. The United States will ask the UN Security Council to convene on February 5th to consider the facts of Iraq’s ongoing defiance of the world. Secretary of State Powell will present information and intelligence about Iraq’s illegal weapons programs; its attempts to hide those weapons from inspectors; and its links to terrorist groups (Will this be like the last time you sent someone out to show our allies the "proof" we possessed and the Germans were like: "Dude, we gave you that information and you have shown it back to us at least twice"?). We will consult, but let there be no misunderstanding: If Saddam Hussein does not fully disarm, for the safety of our people, and for the peace of the world, we will lead a coalition to disarm him ("A coalition that consists of powerhouses like Poland, the Czech Republic and Australia…").

Tonight I also have a message for the men and women who will keep the peace, members of the American Armed Forces: Many of you are assembling in and near the Middle East, and some crucial hours may lie ahead. In those hours, the success of our cause will depend on you. Your training has prepared you. Your honor will guide you. You believe in America, and America believes in you ("Even though myself and my cronies were far to rich and important to ever serve in the military I am sure that you are more than willing to die so my small circle of friends can capitalize on not less than 100 billion barrels of oil").

Sending Americans into battle is the most profound decision a president can make (that comment made me sick to hear). The technologies of war have changed. The risks and suffering of war have not. For the brave Americans who bear the risk, no victory is free from sorrow. This Nation fights reluctantly, because we know the cost, and we dread the days of mourning that always come.

We seek peace. We strive for peace. And sometimes peace must be defended (By starting an unprovoked war?). A future lived at the mercy of terrible threats is no peace at all. If war is forced upon us, we will fight in a just cause and by just means (Well, yeah. If it is "forced" upon us but I don’t see anyone twisting your/our arm and telling you/us to say, "uncle")– sparing, in every way we can, the innocent. And if war is forced upon us, we will fight with the full force and might of the United States military – and we will prevail. And as we and our coalition partners are doing in Afghanistan, we will bring to the Iraqi people food, and medicines, and supplies … and freedom ("While only indirectly blowing up a couple hundred thousand of them like the last time").

Many challenges, abroad and at home, have arrived in a single season. In two years, America has gone from a sense of invulnerability to an awareness of peril … from bitter division in small matters to calm unity in great causes. And we go forward with confidence, because this call of history has come to the right country (And it was divinely chosen so, right, St Augustine?).

Americans are a resolute people, who have risen to every test of our time. Adversity has revealed the character of our country, to the world, and to ourselves (And that character is that we have not learned our lesson when it comes to choosing leaders who do nothing but screw up our foreign policy and in doing so breed generations of people who view us as the enemy. That character may also include our collective arrogance and ignorance of foreign affairs and our selfish ethnocentric dependence on the trials involved with reality television).

America is a strong Nation, and honorable in the use of our strength (Name the last time we actually used our military for something other than forcibly fixing our own foreign policy snafus? I can think of only one in recent history, the use of multilateral forces in the Balkans). We exercise power without conquest (Except when oil is involved), and sacrifice for the liberty of strangers (Again, we sacrifice if their leaders control oil and/or the land by which oil must be transported).

Americans are a free people, who know that freedom is the right of every person (Except foreigners. After all, they’re not even US citizens) and the future of every nation. The liberty we prize is not America’s gift to the world, it is God’s gift to humanity (And I’m God’s gift to women, George).

We Americans have faith in ourselves – but not in ourselves alone. We do not claim to know all the ways of Providence (I bet you couldn’t even know what Providence is), yet we can trust in them, placing our confidence in the loving God behind all of life, and all of history (Damn it, quit invoking God’s name and think you are doing me a favor!).

May He guide us now, and may God continue to bless the United States of America ("Like he has in this time of recession, war and overall hardship we face today, Amen").

Thank you (No, thank you Mr. President).